How to NOT to deal with a break up!

Firstly, if you’re reading this article whilst crying into your ex’s t-shirt listening to Need You Now by Lady Antebellum then you need to dry those tears and go wipe off that crusty 3 day old mascara on your eyes or go shave that stubble…unless you’re going for the homeless man look?

There’s no denying it, break-ups suck. Whether they are inevitable or out of the blue, they still suck serious ass. As one of those people whose emotions control them versus me controlling my emotions, I understand fully how shitty break-ups are and how hard it is to pick yourself up so this is why this post isn’t called ‘Top 10 Tips on how you get over him/her whilst still getting an envious summer body!’ Both of them things you definitely shouldn’t come to me about…

How to NOT deal with a break-up.

  1. Crying down the phone to them at 4:27am about how perfect you are for them whilst choking on your own sobs is not attractive and will not win them back. If anything, as soon as they see your name pop up on their phone they would probably be expecting this hot mess conversation. If he/she has left you because they don’t want/like/love you any more then for the love of god have some pride and don’t make a fool of yourself to someone who already can’t see your worth.
  2. It’s breakup day 3 and you’ve finally put the tissues down long enough to have turn off Desperate Housewives reruns and jump into the shower. You may feel obliged to cry in the shower like in one of those cheesy 90s movies but it won’t make you feel any better trust me. You’re starting to see things more ‘clearly’, so much so that you have started to consider approaching the ex about being friends. STOP. I’m sorry but you have to be bat shit crazy to be friends with an ex who has caused you that much pain, especially after 3 days. It isn’t going to work. In the deepest part of your mind you’re hoping they’ll see how fun and quirky you are outside of a relationship and want you back, but all you’re really doing is taking yourself off the market to other potential partners because you’re still besotted with your ex.
  3. Avoid Social Media like it’s the plague. The rumour mill will already be churning after you changed your relationship status to “single” 20 minutes after the official break-up. You don’t want to look back on your profile in a years time and see post upon post of you feeling sorry for yourself mixed with a variety of different Adele lyrics. Your ‘friends’ can wait, you need to take this time to put yourself first and re-evaluate what you want to do now.
  4. If you’re going to take in one of these points, then please let this be the one. Do NOT listen to ‘your’ song  or any song that’s going to have you leaking like a tap for 3 hours. It won’t help and you know it, I don’t know why as human beings we have to make situations 10 times worse for ourselves by giving ourselves an extra serving of sadness.
  5. You’ve got to the point where you’ve ran out of tissues and are frankly kind of mad at yourself for wasting so much money on ‘man size’ tissues over someone who isn’t even part of your life any more. Actually, you’re kind of mad about everything – especially that one friend who owes you £20 from months back who keeps avoiding you in the street. Don’t take your situation out on others, firstly it isn’t fair or nice and secondly it’s going to be a huge cringe in months time when you have to explain why you were screaming at them in the middle of Tesco.
  6. Joined blame. That’s all I have to say for this one, unless one of you cheated or there is more factors to the break-up, accept joined blame and move on. You can blame your ex, yourself or even the neighbours dog for interrupting your ‘us’ time on Valentines Day last year but at the end of the day a relationship is two people.
  7. So your friend has finally dragged you away from your laptop and supply of Ryan Gosling blogs (well done her!) and is taking you for a girls night out up town. You’d rather bathe in hot lava but you know how she can get, so you agree to go. This is where you start to think alcohol, cigarettes and slut-dropping can cure your heartache. It can’t, but you’re damn going to try! You’ll learn that lesson quick. It doesn’t work, you can’t drink like you could when you were 15 any more and you’re slightly disappointed that you haven’t got thighs of steel after all the moves you were throwing the night before. Lifes a bitch, right?
  8. Rebounds…some people think they’re the answer, me? I’m undecided. All I can say is if you’re going to rebound make sure it’s someone you don’t actually want to be with, do you really want more relationship drama? Also, pick wisely. You don’t want to wind up spending a blurry Monday morning drive to work with Phil from the PR department, as much as you don’t want to have to pay for this particularly orange looking meat head’s taxi fare home. Find an in-between or steer clear!
I’m not half as bad as what you’ve been told,

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